Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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