I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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