I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
