Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
