Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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