I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
