i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
