i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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