This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
