Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
