I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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