Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
