Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
