I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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