My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
