We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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