If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
