when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
