That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
