i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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