This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
