Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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