I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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