Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
