fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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