If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
