nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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