I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
