Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
