i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
