the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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