Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
