There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
