oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
