I just threw up on my dentist
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
