Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
