Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
