then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
