i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
