If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
