There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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