i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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