I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
