Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
