dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
