I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
