I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
