And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
