you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
