my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
