I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
