How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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