If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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