It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
