look no pants
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
