Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Let's paint friendship bongs
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
