I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
