I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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